I did it.

I quit my job on Friday.

After 6 years of working for the LA Gay & Lesbian Center as part of the AIDS/LifeCycle (ALC) staff, I’m officially done.  Even though it’s something I gave a lot of thought to over a really long period of time, I still can’t believe it.

I gave notice on September 3rd, with a last day of October 8th so it would coincide with my 32nd birthday.  I thought it was somehow a good psychic offering to the universe: “I’ll make you a deal.  I’ll commit to this adventure.  I’ll go all in, make it a clean break…and in turn, you won’t fuck me over on my birthday.”  So here I am…fresh start, new leaf sufficiently turned over…if only slightly gimmicky.

So far, “retirement” is going well.  After 1.5 days of not working for ALC, I’ve fielded 1 ALC phone call, 3 ALC texts, returned 2 ALC emails, and attended 1 ALC event.  All things codependently considered, I think the cutting of the ties is going quite well…don’t you think?

I’m doing a lot better than I have been, which is to say I can make it through a conversation without breaking into sobs and emotionally vomiting all over people’s faces, and that’s something for which we can all be thankful.  I’m also thankful I heeded the advice of some very wise colleagues and gave a month.  I had originally thought maybe 3 or 4 months would be good.  I was very concerned they would need a lot of time to find someone to replace me (humble, I know) while still juggling their regular duties.  I let myself get talked down to a month, and that was hard enough as it was.  I can’t imagine anything longer.

Yes, it flew by, in terms of trying to get everything wrapped up and transitioned (as if we actually believed that was a real expectation), but it was a month filled with “Sarah’s last management meeting,” “Sarah’s last official email,” and “Sarah’s last staff lunch.”   It was a sad, tough 30 days for me, and I did not hesitate to share my process with the world via melodramatic FB status updates, which seemed totally appropriate (and obviously riveting).  I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that the six stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and Facebook.  Even though I was leaving of my own choosing, I was going to miss the freaking crap out of my coworkers, so I pretty much cried for a month solid while my mind played a gnarly game of tug of war with itself.  I felt pretty bad for my poor boss…staff…and anyone unfortunate enough to interact with me during this time–any little sarcastic remark would send me into hysterics.  We’d be talking about budgets and spreadsheets, and the next thing you knew, I’d be snorting and hyperventilating all over the phone.  It was pretty awesome.  Yep–a full 30 days of nothing but that.  Sweet.

But then on Friday night–after a last day full checklists and packing…of parties and hugs…of flowers and slideshows–it hit me. Sometime around 9:00, after my bon voyage party had been going for a few hours, a wave of exhaustion washed over me.  It came in quietly and unexpectedly, and lifted me right up and out of my open water sadness.  It carried me along for awhile and solidly deposited me into a little marina of tranquility.  A sudden stillness coated my brain and my heart quieted.  My whole being just relaxed into the reality of it all.

And as I became aware of my body literally settling into its new existence as my spirit bobbed along, things started breaking through the surface: confidence (and therefore relief) that I had made the right move came first, then hope…and then even excitement.  I had suspected this moment was coming…but I wasn’t sure when it would show up.  And it had arrived.

Yes!

It’s true!  I’m excited (SO excited) to be where I am.  I’m excited to see what’s next.  I’m excited to have no idea what I’m doing but to do it anyway.  Leap and a net will appear.  Yes.

I went to bed on Friday night, half disbelieving it really happened, and half stoked out of my mind.  But wrapped around all of that was the unmistakable calm this sea change has brought.  I am so grateful for this and everything that’s led up to it.

No matter what happens from here, one thing is true: after a lifetime of listening to my little writer’s voice beg me to pay attention to it…after years of giving 100% to a job I really loved and then losing a little steam around it…after building Bark up to a point that says “either jump all the way in or get out,” I did.

I did it.

Tags: AIDS/LifeCycle, birthday, bon voyage, dream, Facebook status updates, fresh start, leap, net, new leaf, nonprofit, pet photography, quit my job, risk taking, working from home, writer, writing